Had freskaro today, played a blow wind blow game n i was 'blown' to another seat. So when the game ended n its time for worship, i thought i wld go back to my own seat(second row).But then the person at my seat had no intention of moving so i went to the front row which only has me myself. A sudden fear of loneliness overwhelmed me as i stood there alone for a moment. I guessed its because the rest of the ppl in the room had more than one person in a row. Which made me feel conscious about myself, n it didnt make sense for me to move to the last row since everyone was alrdy ready n that person also somewhat ushered me to sit infront. A few seconds later, the sisters behind were calling me, asking me not to stand by myself n the ppl beside my table moved in for me to join them. I felt an overwhelming n emotionally touched as i cld not control my tears when i thought abt it during worship, seeking God for greater understanding of my self.
I guessed its because in the past i like to odd myself out when i realised ppl are in their groups n i din wan to break in or some sort. Or sometimes if there is pairing up of some sort n theres only 3 ppl i will like 'sacrifice' so both of them will b paired up even if i have to be alone. Doing this just made me feel very deeply xinku inside me. And this, i believe still exist within me just that i didnt have to face such situations as often as before. If i were to go along my desire, i think i would have been selfish lah. struggling of emotions. I will submit this weakness unto God, and pray that the situation that is to come in the future to put me to test i can go through it with God . I hate myself when i cant control what i think n what i feel :(
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